4/23/2021 0 Comments Infertility After BabyInfertility Awareness Week has evolved for me over the last couple of years. One year ago I was pregnant. This year I have our long-awaited baby in my arms. It's easy to think that infertility is behind me; it's easy for others to see me as just another mom with babe in arms. And yet infertility will always be a chapter in my story, a chapter filled with heartache and hope, a chapter that has forever changed me as a person, as a woman, and as a mother.
Now that my days are less filled with longing and more filled with laughter and laundry (and all the other beautiful and messy tasks of caring for an infant), I can look back on my fertility journey with much gratitude. The lessons I have learned about not comparing my story to others, grounding myself in present moment awareness, giving myself permission to feel whatever it is that I feel, practicing gratitude each and every day, releasing what I do not have control over, making healthy choices where I do have agency, remaining open to new and unexpected paths I may not have previously considered, trusting that "I am enough" regardless of what I do, deeply listening to the wisdom of my body, and paying attention to God's invitation to healing, wholeness, justice and love... all of this and so much more have made me a better mother and better human being. I am still very much a work in progress; I don't ever want to stop being a learner. While I feel grateful today, I do not wish infertility on anyone. The struggle is heartbreaking - the hope, fragile. I hope for a miracle and happy ending for everyone even though I know that it's not always the case - there are no guarantees in this thing called life. Know that you are not alone. Know that there are circles of support that can carry you. Know that you are in my prayers, whether I know your name or not.
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10/15/2020 0 Comments Wave of Light 2020 Shedding light on pregnancy and infant loss, for all the little ones gone too soon. Lighting a candle at 7pm local time, I joined in the worldwide wave of light to mark this Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Sending out love and light to all who know the heartache of empty arms.
May you know that absence is full of tender presence and that nothing is ever lost or forgotten. May the absences in your life be full of eternal echo. May you sense around you the secret Elsewhere which holds the presences that have left your life. May you be generous in your embrace of loss. May the sore of your grief turn into a well of seamless presence. May your compassion reach out to the ones we never hear from and may you have the courage to speak out for the excluded ones. May you become the gracious and passionate subject of your own life. May you not disrespect your mystery through brittle words or false belonging. May you be embraced by God in whom dawn and twilight are one and may your longing inhabit its deepest dreams within the shelter of the Great Belonging. -John O'Donohue #waveoflight2020 #waveoflight #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #pregnancyandinfantlossawarenessmonth #pailawareness #paildayofremembrance #1in4 5/11/2020 0 Comments Mother's DayMother's Day. A complicated day for many and that is no less true for those who carry the longing for a child in their hearts while their arms remain empty. Two years ago a tiny little hibiscus plant was left on my doorstep on Mother's Day morning by a friend who has also known the ache of infertility. Being seen on a day when I was feeling very much invisible was one of the greatest gifts that anyone could have given me. That little hibiscus has grown and grown, and this year it bloomed in time for Mother's Day. Two years after receiving the gift of being acknowledged and named on Mother's Day, we're "celebrating" for the first time, yet the shadow of that ache will always remain.
I came across this prayer in J. Philip Newell's Sounds of the Eternal this past week. This is the prayer that I am praying this week, both for myself and for all who carry sacred hidden hopes. 5/6/2020 0 Comments Befriending DiscomfortLast week I attended an online workshop on Befriending Discomfort with some fabulous folks that I used to work with. I will highlight two takeaways that resonated with me as essential to living your best life in the midst of a fertility struggle; however, do yourself a favour and listen to the full workshop at the link below. It is well worth your time.
First, the 3C's of Resilience. These are excellent question to ask yourself, pray with or journal about. Commitment: Ask myself, am I committed? How committed am I? Control: What if I believe... I have options and the power to choose? Challenge: What if I believe... I am enough, I am capable, I will do my best and my best is good enough... it does not need to be pain free and some discomfort is inevitable? I know as human beings we want to avoid discomfort and struggle, and it is painful when the deepest desire of our hearts seems elusive. That's where resilience comes in, that muscle that is strengthened each time we use it. When faced with obstacles, disappointments or difficult decisions, we need to dig deep, allow our longing to fuel our commitment, focus on what we do have control over rather than on what's outside of our control, and accept that just because something is difficult doesn't mean that we're on the wrong path or that it will never happen. Second, it's so important to pause and notice what meaning we're making out of the struggle. We often equate discomfort with danger and it's important to note that these are not the same. Whether we're truly in danger or simply interpreting something as dangerous, we slip into fight, flight or freeze which automatically puts a halt on our reproductive system. After all, our body knows that it's not safe to get pregnant if we're in danger. So rather than giving in to negativity ("There must be something wrong with me." "It's never going to happen." "I don't think I'll survive if this next cycle doesn't work."), we can try to tap into our strength, our resilience and replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations ("It's going to hurt if I'm not pregnant this month but I will ultimately survive." "It's less of a matter of if I'll be a parent but more a question of when and how." "I am supported and I am strong."). One of my favourite mantras of the last few months has been, I can do hard things. Life isn't always easy but there is nothing like the empowerment that comes from sticking with it and coming out the other side - maybe with a few scrapes and bruises - but also with that deep sense of I did it! (and I am so glad that I didn't give up). 4/28/2020 0 Comments Endometriosisen·do·me·tri·o·sis /ˌendōˌmētrēˈōsəs/ noun: endometriosis a condition resulting from the appearance of endometrial tissue outside the uterus and causing pelvic pain. A couple of weeks ago I was asked by two fertility sisters if I would share with them my experience as someone diagnosed with endometriosis, been through fertility treatment and successfully gotten pregnant. Endometriosis is an often painful inflammatory condition and has a significant impact on fertility. Since endometriosis affects 1 in 10 women of childbearing age (World Endometriosis Society and World Endometriosis Research Foundation), I thought I’d share my experience here as well. Obviously what I have written here does not substitute for personalized medical advice.
Endometriosis is diagnosed surgically so I didn’t receive an official diagnosis until 2 years into my fertility journey, though we suspected that I had it given my extremely painful periods (btw, not all painful periods are caused by endo and sometimes women with severe endo have no pain at all). I was fortunate in that I started receiving treatment for endo well before I was actually trying to conceive. I worked with various alternative healthcare practitioners and a few doctors who were all trying to help me manage my pain. I tried birth control a couple of times as that is typically the first course of medical treatment for endo but the pill made me miserable. I had much more success with various alternative treatments and lifestyle changes.
When I started working with a fertility doctor we worked with the presumption that I had endo from the very beginning. My doctor took a proactive approach and I went through pre-treatments for endo before my actual fertility treatment cycles.
While endometriosis created some additional challenges to getting pregnant, I was able to maintain the belief that it was possible. It was empowering to have things to focus on, like diet, exercise and keeping my feet warm, that helped me to feel as though I was an active agent in my own health. I also had a partner and healthcare team surrounding me who also believed that it was possible. Women with endometriosis get pregnant and have healthy babies every day. If you’re struggling with endometriosis - or any diagnosis of infertility - remember that you are not your diagnosis. As long as there is even a mustard seed of faith, anything is possible! 4/25/2020 0 Comments #CIAWApril 19-25 is Canadian Infertility Awareness Week and National Infertility Awareness Week in the US. While so much of our energy and attention is focused on the pandemic, I have not forgotten all those who are struggling with infertility during this time. For so many, treatment plans have been put on hold indefinitely which is devastating after all the hope, heartbreak and preparation that usually precede a treatment cycle. There have been jokes about all the COVID babies who will arrive in 9 months but not everyone will get a COVID baby. There have been endless complaints made by parents who are cooped up with their children at home right now - and that is no doubt hard - but I know the sting that those whose homes are all too quiet are feeling... those who only dream of having a child to be cooped up with. For those whose arms are empty, I see you. I also hold hope for you. Though the sorrow may last through the night, I pray that joy will come in the morning (Psalm 30.5). So to mark this Infertility Awareness Week I offer these words of blessing penned by Jan Richardson and a brief summary my fertility story in images. May they spark hope. p.s. Read about my experience with infertility and my fertility story. The emptiness that you have been holding for such a long season now; that ache in your chest that goes with you night and day in your sleeping, your rising-- think of this not as a mere hollow, the void left from the life that has leached out of you. Think of it like this: as the space being prepared for the seed. Think of it as your earth that dreams of the branches the seed contains. Think of it as your heart making ready to welcome the nest its branches will hold. —Jan Richardson 1427 days 4 IUIs 1 IVF cycle 1 FET countless tears cancelled cycles, chemical pregnancy, failed embryo transfer, & fear that it would never happen so much hope, preparation & waiting supplements, surgery, research, doctor's appointments, treatments for endometriosis, acupuncture, dietary changes, yoga, financial planning, fertility coaching, etc. and after nearly 4 years... Sometimes, no matter how long we've carried a dream or prepared its way, we meet the prospect of its fulfillment with disbelief, startled to see it in daylight. -Sonia Sotomayor, My Beloved World- 3/28/2020 0 Comments LamentYou have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. -Psalm 56.8 The world has turned upside down in the past couple of weeks as the COVID-19 has been making its way across the globe. While these are uncertain times, I have been reflecting on how many of the lessons learned in infertility-land are now helping me navigate this new reality. Staying grounded in the present moment has never been so important for managing anxiety. Focusing on what has been provided each day with a spirit of gratitude rather than fearing lack and scarcity has been essential. Recognizing what I do have control over - like hand washing, social distancing and reaching out to my neighbour - in a situation that really is out of my control has reminded me that there are still things that I can do to help. I have been inundated with news stories, emails and social media posts recently. The outpouring of support has been heartening as I've witnessed community happening in new and innovative ways. I've been overwhelmed by the flood of resources that have suddenly become available as individuals and organizations find their own avenues to reach out and help. In the midst of this all, one simple and yet powerful facebook event called "Lament Together" stood out to me this week and touched me deeply. It was led by "The Many," an indie, intentionally diverse music collective from Chicago singing music of faith and doubt, hope and lament. Lament is not something that is talked about much outside of church circles, and sometimes not talked about within church circles either. But I was reminded this week what a gift lament is, a gift of my faith tradition, a gift for times of fear and uncertainty. Lament allows me a way to feel into all of the dark and lonely places, the sad and fearful places, without the risk of being devoured by them. It allows me a way to pray when I do not have the words, or when the words are just tumbling around inside me and need to be poured out. Lament is a space of being held so even though I might be in a place of despair, I do not grieve as one who has no hope. It provides a ground beneath my feet when everything else seems unstable. And I don't have to cling to positivity or hope on my own steam either, as I'm watching so many people try to do these days. It is a gift to be able to feel honestly while also trusting that I am being held by God, whose got the whole world in their hands. To be able to rest in a Source of Love that is so much bigger than you and me makes all the difference at a time like this. Categories
3/20/2020 0 Comments UnknownThe Wisdom of Not Knowing: Discovering a Life of Wonder by Embracing Uncertainty by Estelle Frankel This is one of the best books I've read in a while. It deeply resonates with what I have been learning on the fertility journey and in ongoing transitions in life and work. While anxiety-provoking at times, I've found that when I'm spiritually grounded the unknown can also be a wonderfully creative and open space. My brother used to be a fanatical mountain biker. All his free time was spent riding the steep mountain trails that wind through the Southern California canyons where he lived. Once, while visiting him I decided to hike the trail he was planning to bike. As I wound my way down a steep and narrow segment of the trail, I caught sight of my brother flying down the mountain on his bike. I was terrified as I watched him plummet at breakneck speeds down that narrow path with its giant rock face walls on either side. When we spoke later that day, I asked him how he managed to avoid crashing into the rock face. His response stuck with me and has become an important metaphor for handling obstacles on my own life path: "The trick," he said, "is keeping your eye on the open space ahead and not getting hung up on the obstacles. As soon as you fix your gaze on the obstacles, you are at risk of crashing."
-Estelle Frankel, "The Wisdom of Not Knowing" 3/13/2020 0 Comments Our Story1427 days . 60 doctor's visits . 44 blood draws . 32 ultrasounds . 41 injections 4 IUIs . 1 IVF/ICSI . 1 FET . 5 pregnancy tests To summarize what this fertility journey has been for me feels like a nearly impossible task without writing a full-length book. I’ll aim for a concise version here but since I am a writer you might as well settle in...
Our journey started nearly four years ago when my partner and I decided to try growing our family. We knew that this could be a bit of a process. To begin with, we had social/situational infertility (2 uteri and no sperm!) and, as I have always been the one who wanted to carry, my suspected endometriosis to contend with. We researched fertility clinics and even though there were a couple of clinics in our city, we chose to work with a doctor 1hr and 35min away which meant many early morning road trips over the years. We started testing and preparing with our fertility doctor in 2016. Over the next 3+ years we did 3 IUIs (1 chemical pregnancy), a laparoscopy, a 10 month IVF/ICSI and FET process, an 8 month medically-induced "menopause," as well as plenty of complimentary and conventional treatments for endometriosis in between cycles. (see glossary at end of the blog for explanation of acronyms, if needed) Surviving medically-induced "menopause" (an intense treatment for endometriosis) with relative ease reinforced one of the primary lessons that I had been learning on this journey: that I am stronger than I imagine and able to handle whatever comes as long as I stay grounded. For me, grounding has meant prayer, yoga, meditation, gratitude, connection with creation, good nutrition and sleep, and the support of my close-knit community. With the many unknowns and uncertainties of infertility, finding those things that I could be certain about and were within my control was an immense gift and source of immeasurable peace. Over the past four years I have spent more time on a break, preparing for a cycle, than actually cycling. This has been at the root of much frustration and many tears, especially early on. Unlike many couples, we simply couldn't try month after month and given the financial realities of fertility treatment we knew that we had a limited number of chances. Fortunately our doctor was very conscientious with our resources, using extended breaks as preparation to give us the best possible chance at pregnancy and calling off cycles that didn't look absolutely perfect. One of the mantras that came to me during a yoga practice one day is, “I can go slow and still get to where I am going” (insert The Tortoise and the Hare fable here). I know that these breaks have been an important part of my fertility journey, giving me time to process grief, rekindle hope, find the strength to keep going, and keep living my life well. “No matter what happens, this will be my story,” has been another one of my mantras. I have needed every step to count, not just the happy and successful ones but also every tear, disappointment, and loss. They’re all essential to my sacred story and have been an important part of my healing and growth. I do not believe that everything happens for a reason but I do believe that everything can be restored, transformed, and integrated. While I would never choose the hard parts of the journey, they have certainly helped me to become a more compassionate and resilient person. Learning to “live in the wait” rather than “waiting to live” has also been an important lesson and was behind my decision to dive into fertility coaching training. It felt like a bold and courageous move to sign up for the course even before I knew how my own story would end but it was the inspiration of my fellow fertility sisters who were making brave decisions every day that helped me take the leap! There have been so many other lessons learned and I've tried to articulate some of them through this blog. All of this brought me to the fall of 2019. I emerged from the Lupron Depot ("menopause") treatment with a renewed hope. The waiting continued as my medicated cycle in September and natural cycle in October were cancelled. I had initially hoped to do another natural IUI cycle in November but finally decided to go with the medicated cycle as recommended by my doctor. Finally getting our positive test has felt completely surreal and has also introduced a whole new realm of things to worry about. The fertility journey has been excellent preparation for handling all the unknowns that come with pregnancy and, I imagine, parenting as well. Staying grounded in the truth of the present moment, surrendering what is not within my control to the Spirit of Creativity and Mystery, trusting the process and my ability to navigate the hard stuff, and living a life of gratitude, have become essential to my day-to-day thriving. We are so grateful to have had this opportunity to grow our family. While it has felt like a struggle at times we also know that it is a privilege to even be on a fertility journey. We are grateful for our medical team, community of support, and fertility sisters who walked this four year journey with us. We are grateful for our faith that has sustained us. We are beyond grateful for this little miracle of new life! Glossary of Terms IUI (Intrauterine Insemination): When a washed sample of sperm is placed into the uterus with a catheter around the time of ovulation IVF (In Vitro Fertilization): After using medication to stimulate the ovaries, eggs are retrieved from the ovaries and fertilized in a lab to create embryos which are then returned to the uterus or frozen for future use ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection): During an IVF cycle, an embryologist uses a needle to inject sperm into an egg FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer): The process of transferring an embryo that was created during an IVF cycle into the uterus with a catheter 3/7/2020 0 Comments ExpectationAs I round the corner into the second trimester, I've been giving some thought as to how my expectations influence my experience. You see, there are certain symptoms and discomforts that come with the territory of pregnancy and I was prepared for that. I was able to handle the first trimester nausea, fatigue and food aversions with relative ease because it's what I was expecting. However, I've heard so many women comment on second trimester bliss that I had inadvertently set myself up with unrealistic expectations so when the second trimester started with headaches and a very rare complication requiring medical intervention, I found myself spiraling into a funk. As I've adjusted my expectations, I've found myself once again more adaptable to the day-to-day fluctuations in my body. Expectations and mindset have also played a huge role in how I experienced my fertility journey. I've noticed that compared to some individuals and couples who go through fertility treatment as Plan B, I've been spared much of the grief and trauma of assisted reproduction because it was my choice from the very beginning. More often than not, visits to the fertility clinic were exciting because we were receiving an opportunity to conceive that we wouldn't have otherwise. I generally don't do well on medication but the side-effects of the meds used to treat my endometriosis and support my cycles were much easier to tolerate because I wanted to take them, as opposed to having to take meds. Being on medication wasn't always pleasant, but I always felt it was worth it. My doctor did a great job of telling me about the possible side-effects so they didn't take me by surprise, while always reminding me of the bigger purpose of a particular treatment. Even when a medicated cycle didn't yield a positive pregnancy test, I moved through the disappointment because I understood that these "failures" were an unfortunate part of the process. Finding the balance between realistic expectations, trusting my ability to handle whatever comes, and dwelling in all the hope and possibility has become essential to living life well for me. Categories |
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