12/15/2018 0 Comments BreatheYesterday morning I opened up facebook and immediately closed it but it was too late; I had already been stung by the happy announcement of a friend’s pregnancy at the top of my newsfeed. Pregnancy and birth announcements are the worst while dealing with infertility. It’s difficult to navigate reactions of anger, resentment, jealousy, sadness, and fear when the only appropriate response is joy and celebration. Tears quickly rise to the surface. It was supposed to be my turn this time. I shed a few tears, acknowledged my grief and then returned to my breath. Breathing is becoming my antidote to most things on this fertility journey; it anchors me in my body and brings me back to the present moment. It returns me to my roots and my story. Comparing myself to others elicits the fear of not enough, the fear of invisibility, and the fear that I will never have the chance to be a mother. In the mindfulness of my breath I am reminded that I am enough right here, right now, and that my fertility journey is not over. I may not have a baby yet, but that does not mean they will never come. My most recent pregnancy test was negative, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a positive test in my future. I may feel sad now, but that doesn’t mean that all hope is lost. The one thing I have some control over on this fertility journey is my own self-care, including my mindset. I may have endometriosis. I may have to rely on a fertility clinic and expensive treatment to get pregnant. I may have some pregnancy losses and failed cycles written into my story. And I can choose how to move forward. I can decide what I will believe about myself and our family. I can choose to focus on the positive rather than allowing catastrophic thinking, the expectations of others, or negative beliefs to run wild. I can practice yoga and meditation and prayer because I know that these practices help me to stay grounded in the present, which is the only place I can be anyway. I cannot change the past or know the future, and spending too much time dwelling in either is disempowering. What I can do is return to my breath – my spirit – and trust that in this moment all is well. All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.
-Julian of Norwich-
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