12/28/2019 0 Comments Early DaysThe moment has arrived. The moment that I have been anticipating and waiting for - and at times, fearing would never come - for nearly four years. The positive test. Two really strong beta results, blood draws taken 48 hours apart to reveal hcg levels rising just as they should. The congratulatory phone call from the fertility clinic. I felt oddly calm as I picked up the phone call from the doctor's office, for the first time feeling truly confident that if I heard disappointing news it would hurt but I would also ultimately be okay.
Living with infertility has become intertwined with my identity so it has been difficult to wrap my mind around this new reality. For so long this has felt like something that would happen in the future and I have to keep reminding myself that this is actually happening, right now. I'm pregnant! (and it's both exciting and terrifying to claim that!) And I'm also very aware that there are no guarantees. For all the infertile fears around never getting pregnant there is a whole new set of fears that have come flooding in around staying pregnant. I know that there are so many things that can go wrong, especially at these early stages. Nature has a remarkable capacity for self-correction but instead of dwelling on my fear of losing this pregnancy, I'm choosing to marvel at the miracle and my body's amazing capacity to know what to do without me having to control anything. After living with infertility where the stats were always against me, I'm finally on the other side where the stats are in my favour. There is far more possibility of having a baby in my arms in several months than not, so I keep trying to turn my attention to that. I am also maintaining my practices of yoga and meditation/prayer that help to keep me in the present moment; I feel like I need them more now than ever. In the uncertainty of these early days, what I know for sure is that today I am pregnant.
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