12/10/2018 1 Comment Christmas on holdI put up our outdoor Christmas lights earlier this fall and their light-sensing timer ensures that the exterior of our house is illuminated each evening as night falls. But inside is a different story. There are no Christmas decorations this year, save for one small box that has yet to be opened. We have acknowledged that we don't have the energy for Christmas and are giving ourselves the grace of not forcing it. I don't even feel that sad about it; mostly just relieved. On the outside we continue to go about the tasks of daily life - albeit some of those are getting dropped these days - but on the inside we are dwelling fully in Advent, in the waiting and the longing. We are clinging to hope, joy is a bit elusive, and are grateful for the moments of peace, a respite from the grief.
The unopened Ten Thousand Villages box contains a gift I bought for our child. If/when we are ready, we are going to take it out and put it on our shelf. One of the pieces of wisdom that I read recently about how to survive the holidays while living with infertility suggested starting to implement the traditions that you hope to engage in with your child. So whether this is an act of defiance and stubbornness, or one of faith and trust, or perhaps all of the above, I am choosing to embrace the desires of my broken heart that is whispering this Christmas, I wish you were here.
1 Comment
Sister dearest
12/11/2018 06:41:56 am
I wish I’d given myself the grace that you are giving yourselves when we were in the throes of infertility. I’m only now, in my early thirties, learning this art.
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