1/16/2019 0 Comments Why we keep goingThis is what I know for sure: you don't get what you wish for, you don't even get what you hope for. You get what you believe. - Oprah Winfrey - We are nearing the three year mark of our fertility journey. When we first decided to call the fertility clinic and make an appointment, my partner and I made a promise to each other: we swore that we would not get caught in the trap of endless treatment cycles. We told ourselves, “If it works, it works and if it doesn’t after a few cycles, we’ll quit and move on.” Our life without children to this point has been good and meaningful and we trust that this would continue to be the case even if we never have a baby. In hindsight, I have to confess that the promise we made came, in part, out of misunderstanding and judgment that I was carrying toward those struggling with infertility who spend years of their lives and thousands of dollars in an effort to conceive a child.
So when three treatment cycles came and went with no baby, we re-evaluated. What we hadn’t accounted for when we set our arbitrary cut-off number was how much we would learn and that going through the process would change us. We actually got pregnant on our very first cycle though the pregnancy wasn’t viable. But having been pregnant, even briefly, shifted our hopes and dreams into the realm of possibility. While I didn’t articulate it this way at the time, I have since heard that a miscarriage may be understood as a sign that your child is trying to come to you and this way of describing that early loss resonates with me. We also didn’t account for the experience of trying to conceive as a calling. I have learned that the strength it takes to get through fertility treatment in a grounded and healthy way isn’t possible without the absolute conviction that I have been created and called to be a mother. I have learned that when living from that place of believing in who I am and what I’m here to do, decisions are made out of a place of desire rather than desperation. I think that is what I feared when I swore that I would not go through cycle after cycle of fertility treatment; I did not want to bring a child into this world out of desperation or by sacrificing my self. Another treatment cycle and another loss later, I continue on this fertility journey because rather than losing myself, as I had feared, I have rather been coming home to myself. It is this sense of consolation, of being on the right path, that fuels my courage and desire to keep going. Even if I don’t ever have the chance to conceive and carry a child to term, I don’t think I will ever regret this part of my journey because of the inner transformation I have been experiencing through the process. That's not to say that this transformation hasn't been desperately hard at times, but it has been sacred. With each step along the way I have asked myself, “Does this have the potential to bring greater life, love and light into the world?” With each ‘yes’ I have experienced judgment of myself and others fall away, I have stepped into my power rather than dwelling in my fear, and I have felt an expansive freedom that affirms for me that God – the Spirit of Love and Creativity - is indeed in this.
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