11/22/2019 0 Comments CommunityO God, we pray this day: for all who have a song they cannot sing... Infertility is hard. There are fluctuating hormones, times of wondering and waiting, unwanted periods, cancelled treatment cycles, failed treatment cycles, and searing loss. One of my friends said it well: it's simply not fair.
It's not fair, and yet some of us will have to walk this journey. I am so grateful that I am not walking my fertility path alone and have found a community of women who 'get it' - who can celebrate together, commiserate together, and console one another. As we gathered together last night there was a heaviness among us and the tears flowed. It is such a relief to have a place where we can show up exactly as we are and trust that we will be held. It is a gift to have found a community that has deep reverence for the strength found in vulnerability. This community of fertility sisters has been a beautiful reminder of just how much we need one another in this journey called life. At the close of yesterday, my partner and I lit candles for these amazing women and held them in the Light as we offered up words of intercession. I pray that all people everywhere will feel companioned and held. I offer a special prayer for all who are walking the often lonely path of infertility.
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11/13/2019 0 Comments IntuitionThere are well laid plans and then there are unexpected curve balls. I was thrown a curve ball yesterday.
I went into my monitoring appointment with ideals and ideas of how I wanted to approach this next cycle naturally but my doctor recommended a medicated protocol. I went in feeling confident; I left the clinic feeling very unsure. Do I stick with my initial plan and ignore my doctor's advice? Do I go along with what my doctor has suggested at the risk of not trusting my gut? "Trust your intuition," is what my partner texted me when I informed her of the possible change of course. As I got into the car for the long drive home from the clinic I turned off the radio and attempted to silence all the voices of influence: opinions of friends and alternative health care practitioners, my fertility doctor and fertility coach. I noticed how difficult it is for me not to be swayed by my desire to please or to meet the either real or perceived expectations of others, even though at the end of the day I'm the one who has to live with the decision. But when I allowed myself to get really quiet I got really clear. Deep down I knew what I wanted, and it wasn't about proving a point by pushing for a natural cycle or just going along with my doctor's recommendations because he's clearly the expert. My deepest internal wisdom was confident that I am ready to be a mother, and that I've felt good on my previously medicated cycles, and that I can still do all the things to support my body from a natural fertility perspective. Deep down it wasn't about appeasing anyone but gathering all the best wisdom from the best sources, allowing seemingly contradictory approaches to fertility treatment to work together to give me the best possible chance, and trusting my intuition. My day ended quite differently than it began as I took my first dose of medication before bed, feeling calm and confident because I know that when I trust the Spirit via my own internal wisdom to guide me, no matter the outcome of this cycle I will have no regrets. 11/8/2019 0 Comments Why?Over the last month I've put a lot of energy into trying to make sense of this journey and trying to line things up for a treatment cycle, when in reality I know (and was reminded again) that so much around conception is in the realm of Mystery and beyond my control. As spiritual beings we are meaning-making beings and it's in our nature to ask, "Why?" when things aren't going in the way we would desire. What I've discovered and believe to be truer every day is that everything happens. As much as we may want there to be a reason, sometimes there simply isn't... other than, this is life. Hard things happen. We are broken people living in a broken world. No one is immune. What I also trust to be true is that reaching out for support and surrounding myself with community is essential. Being gentle with myself and practicing good self-care (rather than self-indulgence) is also essential. With both internal and external support, I can handle the everyday frustrations and even the seemingly impossible. God doesn't cause the hardship or the pain but is lovingly present in the midst of it all. And as I continue to wait and heal and grow, I'm always learning new things. All things, even the things I would never choose for myself, can become pivotal parts of my story. I am grateful for the lessons learned and the transformation experienced. And I surrender once again. Everything happens for a reason, isn't true. However, we can find a reason for everything that happens.
-Dany Griffiths - 10/16/2019 0 Comments Alternative WisdomOne of the greatest lessons that I've learned through my healing journey of the past 16 years is the importance of listening to my body. Embodied spirituality and the incarnational nature of the Christian faith has sparked my imagination in recent years. Honouring my body's wisdom has been essential to my spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical health.
As I embarked on my fertility path, my priorities were staying true to what I have learned about my body over the years and creating a fertility team that would not override but rather respect my body's wisdom. I am grateful to have found a fertility doctor who pays close attention to my body's unique cycles and rhythms. He also appreciates alternative and complementary medicines, which was a non-negotiable for me because I know how well my body responds to supplements and therapies that support my body in healing and strengthening itself through natural means. As much as I wish there was a perfect protocol or treatment plan that would guarantee success on this journey, there simply isn't. That's why I believe that the best choices for my health are the ones that help me to feel my best. I don't think it makes any sense to suffer through a restrictive diet if it doesn't provide a noticeable difference or sucks all the joy out of life, probably creating a larger negative impact on one's fertility anyway. I share here some of what I've been doing to support my fertility from an alternative medicine perspective, in case you're curious. These treatment choices were made in conversation with qualified practitioners and obviously do not serve as medical advice. Supplements (high quality, 3rd party tested):
For years I have paid fairly close attention to what I eat and have chosen foods that are less likely to cause inflammation. Because I am dealing with endometriosis while trying to get pregnant, it is even more important to make sure that the foods I am eating aren't contributing to inflammation in my body. So here are some of the guidelines I'm following:
I started working with a practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine before we even started trying to conceive and have found acupuncture to be essential. He also emphasized how important it is to keep my feet warm at all times for good uterine health. My naturopath and chiropractor have also been supporting my fertility journey and are important members of my TTC team. Most recently I had the opportunity to consult with a student of clinical herbalism and she offered me some recommendations for herbal infusions of nettle leaf, red clover flower and red raspberry leaf which I have started incorporating into my daily health rhythm. Walking, yoga and meditation provide me with daily check-ins as I continue to cultivate a compassionate relationship with my incarnate self, a relationship that is respectful of all the wisdom held within. 10/15/2019 0 Comments Wave of LightOctober is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and October 15 is the International PAIL Day of Remembrance. For the past several years I have participated in the Wave of Light, lighting candles in remembrance at 7pm on October 15 for the precious and much-hoped-for little ones gone too soon, held forever in love.
May you know that absence is full of tender presence and that nothing is ever lost or forgotten. May the absences in your life be full of eternal echo. May you sense around you the secret Elsewhere which holds the presences that have left your life. May you be generous in your embrace of loss. May the sore well of grief turn into a well of seamless presence. May you be embraced by God in whom dawn and twilight are one, and may your belonging inhabit its deepest dreams within the shelter of the Great Belonging. - John O'Donohue 10/1/2019 0 Comments FlowI started sewing pads during one of my very first delays in the fertility journey. I decided to embrace my period as an integral part of the reproductive process rather than resenting and resisting it. I wanted to show my body and the environment some love and cloth pads was a tangible way to do it. There have been plenty more breaks on the fertility journey after that first delay, which has given me ample opportunity to sew myself some more pads/liners to round out my set and create sets for my partner and sister. A friend recently asked if I'd make her some pads and liners as well. As I sat at my sewing machine while on yet another unexpected delay in the fertility journey, I was struck by the grace of this practice. Periods are often the last thing one wants on the fertility journey, especially when their arrival signals an unsuccessful cycle. Given my particular circumstances around trying to conceive and the fact that I'm not able to try every month, I have been spared the cumulative despair of month after month of unbidden blood. I have also had many months of no period as I've gone through various treatments for endometriosis so the return of my period has been a reassuring sign that my body still knows what to do. Feeling gratitude for the flow has been an unexpected and healing part of my fertility story.
Here is a basic tutorial and my patterns for cloth pads and liners. 9/26/2019 0 Comments Psalm"How long, O LORD?"
I join my voice with the ancient cry of the barren and childless. This cycle cancelled, another month passes me by. More waiting, more hoping, more worry and wondering, "Will it ever happen for me?" I dwell in the unknown and yet trust this to be true: that deep desire to conceive and carry a child has been written into my story by You. So I surrender myself to the Great Mystery and pray: may it be so. 9/22/2019 0 Comments NightAnd I said to the one who stood at the gate of the year, "Give me a light that I may tread safely into the Unknown." And he replied, "Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way." - Minnie Haskins - Last night I was awake for a couple of hours. This is not usual for me, to wake in the middle of the night, and what was even stranger was not being consumed with swirling worries that tend to be kept at bay during the daylight hours but sometimes make their presence known when my conscious defenses are down. I tried to go back to sleep for a while until my rumbling tummy prompted me to quietly creep downstairs for a snack.
I'm not awake in the middle of the night often, but I always appreciate the peaceful stillness of the dark when the world around me is, for the most part, at rest. I especially relish this quiet living in the midst of a city. In the sacred realm, the hours around 3am are considered a time when the veil thins and it is a time to dwell in mystery. As I finished my snack and contented myself to just sit for a bit, I was drawn to a little book on my shelf that I picked up while at seminary and have returned to at various seasons in my life. Macrina Wiederkehr's Seven Sacred Pauses: Living Mindfully Though the Hours of the Day is a lovely prayer book that guides the reader through the seven Divine Offices or Hours of Prayer that are typically observed by Christian monastic communities around the world. I've prayed many of the hours throughout the book but I don't think I've ever prayed the the Night Watch or vigil before. So last night I spent some time with the antiphons, scripture and prayers of the night watch, guided by the themes of vigilance, deep listening, mystery, silence, surrender, and trust. In light of my own fertility journey, I was particularly drawn to Wiederkehr's words about this hour being one of waiting. Vigils is a time of exquisite beauty. It is a time for waiting and watching under the mantle of mystery. It can be a prayer of waiting without agenda, without urgency. We often wait for things we cannot change. Waiting in itself has the potential of being a prayer of faith. Sometimes we wait for growth. Like a seed resting in the ground, we wait for who we can become. The darkness that surrounds us can be an ointment for our restless spirit. If we do not turn away from this darkness, it has the potential of becoming a nurturing womb for us. Often it is in the dark times of our lives that our eyes are opened, and we see things in new ways (p. 32-33). There is a difference between waiting and keeping vigil. Anxious, fretful, impatient waiting is nothing more than waiting. Waiting with purpose, patience, hope, and love is vigilant waiting. Would that all of our waiting could be a vigil - a watch in the night or in the day hours. So by all means, find a way to make your vigils sacred. Learn the art of holy waiting. Whether you choose, on occasion, to get up in the middle of the night, or whether you make an effort to turn your everyday moments of waiting into sacred vigils rather than impatient pacing, you will be blessed through this spiritual practice (p 34-35). It has taken me some time to accept this in my own fertility journey, but I have come to appreciate the invitation to allow the darkness of not knowing to blanket me. I have come to know and appreciate the potential for transformation that comes from simply waiting. The posture of surrender, when I'm able to embody it, is freeing. While it is still sometimes disappointing and frustrating to not be pregnant yet, I am grateful for the new ways of seeing that have come from this much longer than anticipated time of waiting. 9/12/2019 0 Comments Seed CyclingA few months ago, upon the suggestion of my chiropractor, I started seed cycling. It's pretty simple: basically, eat 1-2 tbsp of ground flax and pumpkin seeds daily during the follicular phase of your cycle and eat 1-2 tbsp of ground sunflower and sesame seeds daily during the luteal phase of your cycle. While I was in "menopause" I did seed cycling with the phases of the moon, eating flax/pumpkin from the new moon to the full moon, and sunflower/sesame from the full moon to the new moon. It's believed that the healthy fats found in the seeds support hormone balance that may be beneficial for fertility, regulating periods, and also relieving menopausal symptoms. If nothing else, it's healthy... and tasty too with this seed ball recipe that was recommended to me by a fellow fertility friend. Seed Cycling Balls Recipe This recipe is from Emily Morrow.
These Seed Cycling Balls provide you with the daily dose of recommended seeds, helping alleviate common signs and symptoms of hormonal imbalances. No blender or food processor necessary! Simply grind the whole seeds, mix everything together, roll, freeze, and enjoy a serving per day for proper hormone secretions inside and outside the body. Makes: 14-15 Balls Prep time: 15 minutes Ingredients:
9/9/2019 0 Comments TurningMy favourite season is the transition between seasons. I love the hopeful signs of new life that emerge as the weather warms to spring. I love the carefree energy of long summer days. I love the cool and crisp autumn air that signals the changing season. And I love the invitation to hunker down with the first snowfall of winter. I am grateful to live in a place with four distinct seasons that orient me and help me mark the cyclical year.
In these days when our continent begins tilting away from the sun, signaling the final days of summer and the beginning of fall, my body has begun a transition as well. After a medically-induced menopause to treat endometriosis, my cycle has finally resumed. It has been long awaited, coming three months after it was initially expected to return and after the ovarian suppression surpassed the doctor's expectations, my body needed a bit of a boost in the form of birth control to get going again. Never is a period so anticipated as when it is required in order to start the next fertility treatment cycle. The Lupron Depot injection used to treat endometriosis is a harrowing medical treatment, wiping out my hormones and plunging my body into a menopausal state in short order. There are ample "survivor" stories of those who have been through this treatment. While it took a lot out of me to manage constantly changing side-effects over the better part of this year, I count myself as one of the lucky ones. Both my partner and I had absolute peace about the decision to move forward with this treatment (a treatment that early on in my journey I swore I would never do if it came to it). The rather pricey $1250 injection was fully covered by my insurance and a patient support program. My doctor and naturopath prepared me well, my moon circle blessed my medication, and my grounding practices served me for the duration. My naturopath explained that without my hormones to ground me, my energy would start wildly flying upward (which is what a hot flash is) so she suggested eating grounding foods (think root vegetables and healthy fats) and engaging in grounding practices, even literally sitting on the ground. When symptoms of nausea, breast achiness, hot flashes, and night sweats began to emerge, I would take it as a cue to breathe, go for a walk, practice yoga, or meditate. A couple of times when the side-effects were getting the better of me, acupuncture was immediately helpful. Since stress is a huge trigger for menopausal symptoms - along with sugar, alcohol and caffeine - I had instant feedback that would tell me I wasn't rooted in myself, my foundation or the present moment. It was a good practice in letting go of what I could not control while taking responsibility for my response. It was a good practice in bringing me back again and again and again. While it often didn't seem like much was happening on the fertility journey over the last eight months, I feel as though it has been an important time of healing, rest, and preparation. I have had an opportunity to expand my circle of support, strengthen my grounding practices, and pursue other interests to keep me balanced. I know I've said this before but it feels so true again: this journey of infertility has given me the opportunity to do more than I could have possibly imagined and discover that I am stronger that I ever knew. As summer warmth gives way to autumn colour, I am opening to this change, this turning, and ready to receive whatever this next season may hold. |
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