1/27/2020 0 Comments MoreI think anyone who has known struggle on their fertility journey will resonate with these hauntingly beautiful lyrics by Halsey. For you...
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1/22/2020 0 Comments AnthemI have a playlist of music that has accompanied me on the fertility journey. This version of This is Me has been my anthem through my last cycle, particularly during the 2ww. It's provided me with the boost of courage that I've needed and reminder to just be me. Some of the best advice I received from a fellow fertility sister to handle the 2ww was to "Be the youest you you can be." Enjoy. 1/11/2020 0 Comments YogaIf you've been around my blog for a while you will have heard me mention how important my yoga practice is to me. I started practicing in 2012 as a way to manage chronic pain and fatigue, which was later diagnosed as fibromyalgia. A year into my fertility journey a friend introduced me to Yoga with Adriene and my at home yoga practice took on a new depth and significance. I started to notice that time spent on my mat was time when I was really present to the moment. I was able to tap into a deeper peace, beyond the circumstances surrounding me. It was time spent checking in with myself and often discovering that I was stronger and more flexible than I imagined, able to do hard things or lean into new places. The inner stillness I found on my mat became a prayer, an opening into which the Spirit was able to speak new insights and old wisdom for the journey. My daily yoga practice has become so much more than a coping mechanism; time on the mat has led to physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual transformation.
Yoga became such an essential part of my life that I really struggled when I went through treatment cycles and didn't know if yoga was safe. While investing so much emotionally, physically and financially into a treatment cycle, I didn't want to jeapordize my chances of conceiving by moving too much or in the wrong way. Fortunately I had a doctor who did not prescribe bed rest post-procedure but my pelvis and hips would still lock up every time for fear of doing something wrong. That was one of the reasons why I jumped on board when I heard about Fertile Hope Yoga, an online yoga studio specifically designed to support fertility before, during, and after a cycle. Fertile Hope Yoga also provided me with community. I'm one of the fortunate ones who has been well supported by a close circle of friends throughout my fertility journey, some of whom have had their own fertility struggle but many who have not. But there is an energizing force in a gathering of women from across geography, each with their own unique story and yet all working toward the same dream - mourning one another's losses and cheering each other along. I know yoga isn't for everyone but I really hope that everyone finds their practice, that thing that helps them to both connect with their inner wisdom and also tap into something/someone much bigger than themselves, that place they can go to regularly to find their centre. I saved this note from a yoga course I participated in some time ago because it so resonated with my experience: Build from the ground up. Listen to your body and let your inquiries be both conscious and curious. Sthira means “steadiness” in Sanskrit and when paired with the sukha or ease we find ourselves on the path toward balance. Now while this sounds pretty good, you might be happy to know that this idea can be practically applied to your at-home yoga practice—and we are going to put it into play today. As we continue to grow our practice, remember you can always go back to two things at any time: your breath and your foundation. Returning to these two things will allow you to keep a steadiness of mind, calmness in your breath, and a feeling of being centered—no matter what happens in your practice or what is happening in your day. Remember, it’s a practice. So, be brave dear one, keep going. Find your conscious footing, return to your breath, and welcome patience and equanimity to your life. Move with strength and grace on the mat to live with strength and grace off the mat. Yoga with Adriene Mishler Commune course September 14, 2018 12/28/2019 0 Comments Early DaysThe moment has arrived. The moment that I have been anticipating and waiting for - and at times, fearing would never come - for nearly four years. The positive test. Two really strong beta results, blood draws taken 48 hours apart to reveal hcg levels rising just as they should. The congratulatory phone call from the fertility clinic. I felt oddly calm as I picked up the phone call from the doctor's office, for the first time feeling truly confident that if I heard disappointing news it would hurt but I would also ultimately be okay.
Living with infertility has become intertwined with my identity so it has been difficult to wrap my mind around this new reality. For so long this has felt like something that would happen in the future and I have to keep reminding myself that this is actually happening, right now. I'm pregnant! (and it's both exciting and terrifying to claim that!) And I'm also very aware that there are no guarantees. For all the infertile fears around never getting pregnant there is a whole new set of fears that have come flooding in around staying pregnant. I know that there are so many things that can go wrong, especially at these early stages. Nature has a remarkable capacity for self-correction but instead of dwelling on my fear of losing this pregnancy, I'm choosing to marvel at the miracle and my body's amazing capacity to know what to do without me having to control anything. After living with infertility where the stats were always against me, I'm finally on the other side where the stats are in my favour. There is far more possibility of having a baby in my arms in several months than not, so I keep trying to turn my attention to that. I am also maintaining my practices of yoga and meditation/prayer that help to keep me in the present moment; I feel like I need them more now than ever. In the uncertainty of these early days, what I know for sure is that today I am pregnant. 12/19/2019 0 Comments Longest NightDear Fertility Sister, The holiday season is filled with joy, light and celebration. However, for those on a difficult fertility journey it is often a challenging time of year. You may be bearing the weight of grief, loss, depression, anxiety, financial stress, a diagnosis, hopelessness, and uncertainty. The public tone of the season does not resonate with your private experience, leaving you feeling isolated during a time of year when everyone seems to be celebrating connection. On this longest night of the year, I offer you an invitation to create some space for yourself. Set aside some time to be honest about your grief, to feel and express it, and to honour exactly where you are today, released from the expectation of where you “should” be or what you “should” be feeling. It can be scary to open yourself to the pain. While acknowledging and naming the loss of hope or the loss of a baby can bring healing as you work with rather than against your emotions, if the idea of sitting with the pain is too overwhelming allow your overwhelm to become your guide in seeking out support from a friend, family member, support group, or caregiving professional. This journey can not and need not be walked alone. I hope that this simple ritual reminds you that though the night may be long, you are not alone. I pray that these words bring some measure of peace this night. Winter is a lesson about the fine art of loss and growth. Its lesson is clear; there is only one way out of struggle and that is by going into its darkness, waiting for the light, and being open to new growth. -Joan Chittister- Set aside 15-30 minutes for this ritual and ensure that you will not be disturbed. You may do this on your own, or invite your partner or close friend to join you. You will need a candle, either one you already have around the house or one that you’ve purchased specifically for this occasion. If you’ve experienced a loss or multiple losses, you may choose to have additional candles. Begin by turning your attention to your breath – breathing in and breathing out naturally. Take as much time as you need to centre yourself. If tears emerge at any point, welcome them as the healing companion that they are. Continue to breathe easily. If it feels okay to you to sit in the dark or with dim lighting, I invite you to turn down the lights and welcome the night; acknowledge the presence of the dark. Does the night feel unfamiliar and disconcerting, or safe, comforting and nurturing? Notice your relationship with the night. There are likely things that you carry with you that rarely or never see the light of day – grief over failed cycles and early losses, the punch in the gut feeling at another pregnancy or birth announcement, the crippling fear of the unknown… Notice what it is that you have been carrying in your depths that may wish to emerge now. Feel into the painful places, the lost places, the hidden places. Trust that if you are strong enough to carry these things in silence that you will be able to handle whatever comes. However, if it feels too overwhelming, assure yourself that you will reach out for more support from a doctor, therapist, partner, family member, friend, support group, pastor, or some other source of support that you trust. Once you have acknowledged the heavy burden of grief that you have been carrying and when you are ready, light your candle. This light may represent God, the Universe, the loving presence of someone dear to you, or some other comforting presence. Acknowledge the presence of this gentle, flickering light – it doesn’t erase the grief but rather illumines it. Notice how the light seems to breathe and even dance. Take a few moments to contemplate and get curious about what the light might say to you if it could speak… Light any additional candles that you wish to light if you are marking the losses in your life, honouring the love that is still present in the midst of your grief. You may even choose to whisper a prayer of gratitude for the little one(s) who was(were) here and went too soon. While you may not always feel strong, it takes a great deal of strength and courage to put one foot in front of the other each day and continue on your journey. With hands over your heart, offer yourself gratitude and love for all the things that you are doing to nurture your dreams and live into your desires. Notice if there is anything else that you would like to do in this space of quiet reflection - write in your journal, listen to a meaningful song, pen a letter, light another candle, sketch or paint, choose an affirmation, say a prayer, etc. You may also want to incorporate a reading that resonates with you from the following pages. Conclude with these words of blessing: In this dark season of your life and on this darkest night of the year, may you know the quiet presence of the absence that has touched your life. May you be warmed and held in the Eternal Light. May peace encircle you, both now and forever. The emptiness
that you have been holding for such a long season now; that ache in your chest that goes with you night and day in your sleeping, your rising-- think of this not as a mere hollow, the void left from the life that has leached out of you. Think of it like this: as the space being prepared for the seed. Think of it as your earth that dreams of the branches the seed contains. Think of it as your heart making ready to welcome the nest its branches will hold. - Jan Richardson I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so that there is really only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light. - Barbara Brown Taylor To come to the pleasure you have not You must go by a way in which you enjoy not. To come to the knowledge you have not You must go by a way in which you know not. To come to the possession you have not You must go by a way in which you possess not. To come to the way you are not You must go by a way in which you are not. - St. John of the Cross In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; and like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring. - Kahlil Gibran Defender of the deep down hidden things, You see the yearnings that are invisible to others, The waiting in the darkness for a springtime bud that never came, The waiting for a baby for year upon year, The waiting for true love who never appeared, The waiting for a vocation never found or fulfilled, The waiting for healing from the long ago hurt. Defend all who wait and wait. Thank you that you do not see us as fools but cherish our heart’s desire. Encircle us with dignity and teach us to live without bitterness, and to discover the true meaning of hope. - Tess Ward May I be gentle with myself in this tender place. May I seek that which is nurturing and supports my well-being. May I embrace my tears for all the healing they bring. May I be aware of the sources of compassion in my life and willingly receive love. May I trust the truth: (fill in an affirmation - the one that’s hardest to believe right now) May my broken heart be transformed into a more open heart. May my faith in the wisdom of my body be restored. May I be at peace - body, mind, heart and spirit. May you know that absence is full of tender presence and that nothing is ever lost or forgotten. May the absences in your life be full of eternal echo. May you sense around you the secret Elsewhere which holds the presences that have left your life. May you be generous in your embrace of loss. May the sore well of grief turn into a well of seamless presence. May you be embraced by God in whom dawn and twilight are one, and may your belonging inhabit its deepest dreams within the shelter of the Great Belonging. - John O'Donohue Vigils is a time of exquisite beauty. It is a time for waiting and watching under the mantle of mystery. It can be a prayer of waiting without agenda, without urgency. We often wait for things we cannot change. Waiting in itself has the potential of being a prayer of faith. Sometimes we wait for growth. Like a seed resting in the ground, we wait for who we can become. The darkness that surrounds us can be an ointment for our restless spirit. If we do not turn away from this darkness, it has the potential of becoming a nurturing womb for us. Often it is in the dark times of our lives that our eyes are opened, and we see things in new ways. There is a difference between waiting and keeping vigil. Anxious, fretful, impatient waiting is nothing more than waiting. Waiting with purpose, patience, hope, and love is vigilant waiting. Would that all of our waiting could be a vigil - a watch in the night or in the day hours. So by all means, find a way to make your vigils sacred. Learn the art of holy waiting. Whether you choose, on occasion, to get up in the middle of the night, or whether you make an effort to turn your everyday moments of waiting into sacred vigils rather than impatient pacing, you will be blessed through this spiritual practice. - Macrina Wiederkehr And I said to the one who stood at the gate of the year, "Give me a light that I may tread safely into the Unknown." And he replied, "Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way." - Minnie Haskins A light that thrives in the depths of darkness, blazes through murky bottoms. It cannot and will not be quenched. - John 1.5, The Voice 12/14/2019 0 Comments Second AdventIn the silence of a midwinter dusk, there is a sound so faint that for all you can tell it may be only the sound of silence itself. You hold your breath to listen. You are aware of the beating of your heart. The extraordinary thing that is about to happen is matched only the extraordinary moment just before it happens. Advent is the name of that moment.
- Frederick Buechner - 12/4/2019 0 Comments 2wwAnyone who has tried to conceive knows the 2 week wait well, that time between ovulation and either a positive pregnancy test or a period. I have to admit that I'm not well practiced at these as I've only had a handful of 2ww's to date, though I have picked up a few useful tips from fellow fertility sisters and experts. The mind games are the hardest part of the waiting and not knowing, so this is how I've been engaging this "homestretch" (as it's called in Fertile Hope Yoga): Joy & Gratitude I'm focusing on joy and gratitude by choosing to do things that bring me joy and spending some time each day in gratitude. The thing is, I can't feel both joy/gratitude and fear at the same time. It's tempting to sometimes stay in my self-protective stance of preparing for the worst but this just strips the joy out of the now. If I'm focused on the worst possible outcome, I'm also more likely to set up a self-fulfilling prophecy by making decisions or sending subtle messages to my body that suggest I shouldn't get pregnant. I want to live a life right now that I'd feel excited to welcome a baby into. Joy, collected over time, fuels resilience - ensuring we'll have reserviours of emotional strength when hard things do happen. - Brené Brown - Grounding Practices These are the daily habits and practices that I've been cultivating throughout my fertility journey to keep me connected to my body, to the earth, to the Spirit, to my deepest self, and to the present moment. My grounding practices right now include: Meditation/Prayer Walking Outside Yoga Journaling/Morning Pages Affirmations What I am telling myself is so, so important. That's why I've collected the truths that I've received over the last while about me and my ability to get pregnant, and recorded them so that I can listen to them regularly. Again, if I am feeding my mind with positive messages there's less room for negativity and despair. That's not to say that I am shoving less pleasant emotions like fear or sadness to the side; rather, I've scheduled a daily check-in to air out my worries but it means that the rest of the day I can work at dwelling in possibility. Some particularly helpful reminders when fears arise have been: PMS and pregnancy symptoms are remarkably similar. When I notice stuff going on in my body I don't have to assume that I'm getting a period. Right now I don't know whether or not I'm pregnant so I don't have to jump to the conclusion that I'm not. My conscious mind doesn't have the ability to make a baby so I might as well be at ease. If now is when a baby is going to come, then they're on their way and there's nothing more I can do other than continue good self-care. Companion Others I've also been incredibly grateful that I have the opportunity to support other people on their fertility journey through a holiday support program. There's nothing like reaching out to another to release me from my self-involved swirling and to know that there is a community of people out there who also know the struggle certainly helps me feel less alone.
12/1/2019 0 Comments First AdventThis is my fourth Advent on this fertility journey and I am so, so grateful for the quiet waiting of Advent, a seasonal alternative to the happy, clappy, sometimes sappy festivities that this time of year brings. As I enter this season during my own time of active waiting, I am resonating with the slower, darker days of Advent. This is a time of uncertainty and hoping without knowing. I love that Advent creates space for Mystery because there are simply things I cannot yet know or will not know in life, or on the fertility journey. There are times when it is tempting to give in to the despair of not knowing, but when I surrender my need to know and control, I find it imbued with hope. I love how author, teacher and Franciscan priest, Fr. Richard Rohr, stated it in his daily meditation for today,
Scriptures do not offer rational certitude. They offer us something much better, an entirely different way of knowing: an intimate relationship, a dark journey, a path where we must discover for ourselves that grace, love, mercy, and forgiveness are absolutely necessary for survival in an uncertain world. You only need enough clarity to know how to live without certitude! There is a grace to not knowing, where certainty and ultimate responsibility for outcomes are out of my hands and all I can do is wait, and hope, and trust. In this Advent time I have the opportunity to practice a different way of seeing that doesn't rely on certainty. Rohr calls it, "seeing in the dark," and writes, "We can't be certain of what's in front of us, but with some time and patience, our eyes adjust, and we can make the next right move." 11/23/2019 0 Comments Self-CareI took a much needed self-care day yesterday. The most important thing I did was release any agenda for the day. I notice that even when I intend to take a day away from responsibilities and to-do lists, the really good self-care shoulds still have a tendency of creeping in. I should read a book, take a nap, soak in the tub, get a massage, pray, create art, go to a yoga class, etc. So what I did instead was try to simply listen and respond to myself by regularly checking in throughout the day.
This is how my day unfolded:
11/23/2019 0 Comments TransformationWhile having my blood drawn at the fertility clinic the other day, I joked with a tech that I've nearly earned my 4-year degree in fertility. Trying to conceive has truly felt like an education. There have been many transformative moments and hard lessons learned. One of the biggest lessons that I've been learning lately is that no matter what happens on this journey, I will ultimately be okay. If there's a setback, disappointment or bad news I may not be okay right away, but I am gaining confidence in my ability to handle the tough stuff. As my personal fertility coach said to me recently, we can deal with the seemingly impossible because when it comes right down to it, we have no other choice. People get through devastating stuff everyday. What you can trust is your ability to get through it.
That's not to say that I always want to be preparing myself for the worst; I don't think that serves me well either. Preparing for the worst may provide me with a perceived layer of protection for a while but it ultimately depletes my mental, emotional and spiritual reserves, starving my resilience. However, there is a lot of emphasis in the fertility world on cultivating a positive mindset. I've gained a lot from dismantling my limiting beliefs, practicing affirmations, and dwelling in possibility. What hasn't worked for me is plastering positive thinking over my fears. I've experienced some teachings on positive thinking that just try to play a louder positive tape over old tapes of fear and doubt that are still playing in the background. Blasting, "I will get pregnant" or "If I believe it I can achieve it" over the very real possibility that I may not get pregnant this cycle hasn't felt right to me. What has felt right is remaining positive by remaining open to the potential and possibility of pregnancy, while also resting in the assurance that I have amazing internal and external supports and I will get through it even if the answer is, "No" or "Not yet." This mental shift from, "Everything's going to be exactly as I wish it to be" - which a part of me knows may not be true - to "I will be okay," has allowed me a new freedom and a deeper peace; it has actually bolstered my hope. I have noticed my fears relax as I've settled into this truth. The challenges that come with a journey through infertility provide so much opportunity for inner growth. I would never, ever tell someone that they're experiencing infertility to learn a lesson. However, even in the most trying of circumstances we always have a choice around how we respond and there is always the potential for transformation. For this most recent lesson learned, I am grateful. |
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